5.2 Let it go

A girl has really make me fell guilty and confused for a long time. At a loss of how to face myself, how to face her, and kinda questions like these. Have the feeling like my life is moving in darkness, and what I could probably do is to keep the faith that light will come and just be patient. No matter how many curses come, believe life will become better and keep it clear in mind about what kind of life I want, and what kind of person I want to be.

The 23rd birthday. Celebrated by guys from debate team. When they asked about two of my wishes, I said something sound pretty dumb and selfish, that hope I could become a PhD one day. I can definitely come up with some better answers making everyone feel happy, but frankly speaking my mind seemed to be absent during that time. I don't know what to say. And the situation during that time was a little bit awkward. What I really wanna wrote down is the words I said to her the day before my birthday. I confessed that I've committed something really mean and bad, making her feel hurts which I feel really bad about. I'm just too protective on myself, and sometimes neglects how other people think. And I hope she will find a great guy some day.

And she got mad again, which actually doesn't hurt me much. Can totally accept the response, coz I've never expected forgiveness from someone that I've deeply hurt. But the thing confused me is how she respond. Well, what she said may not necessarily reflect what she mean, but she just wanna be alone, and do not want to hear from me ever.

Maybe this is not the point at all. I have to face upon myself, what's wrong, and where's the problem. Not until I fixed it can I get a true love once again.

But something will be remembered, and someone will never forget.

So, just let it go.

5.1 Worrying about the loss

Maybe I'm worrying too much about the finals. The hypertension almost traps meyself in the ego. Can't speak fluently and react properly to the outside world. The more I want to come out, the more helpless I feel.

Is decided to cook myself a big dinner. Food is always the thing that can make me happy when in sadness or hardship. Bought some ingredients from the Parkenshop this afternoon: eggplants, eggs, minced pork, potato, and onion. Will make one potato pancake for my roommate which he always says is his favourite, and will create some dishes to satisfy my stomach and mood.

Can't explain why these is happening, but one thing is for sure, that I want to be happy, and I want the people I care feel that I treasure them in my life.

Set aside the GPA thing for a while, and there are more things to be valued in my life. Life is beautiful. Those can't stay will be definitely loss, even you try the best to save. Even though I won't perform very well in the final exam, even though I may fail the GRE test in June, I don't want these to stuck me to appreciate the life. And I will do my best in the academics.

So afraid of being a loser in academics. That's probably why I'm so stressed out by the coming final. Everything will be ok, just need some relax and patience. As long as the revision goes as is planned, I will do fine. See what I've achieved last semester. How come I'm much more stress now. This is so not like me. Kai should be kind and hardworking and relax.

Thanks Chase, Noah, Phillip, Patrick, Mei, Ashley, Shirlie, Meng. I am weird a lot of time. But I love you guys. You guys give me light when I'm in the period seem to be the darkest.