10.22 Typing in T1111

The lab is very quiet during the night. Is typing ramdomly on the keyboard. Just finish editing the word part of the website for BIOMOD competition this years. A lot of work. Minor modifying may needed in the following days, but feel like a thing has finally settled.
Efficiency is much higher than working at home. Sometimes I feel I am a quiet guy always enjoying my little world.
Am I the one that I am afraid of? Two years ago, I wrote down such a sentence in my diary, that I am afraid I would be looking at the world with a cold mind. Seems that I am so focusing on the little thing happening to me that I ignore many other things. Don't know whether it is good or bad. Time passes by and I grow older and older. Feel quite awkward of saying something truthfully or honestly without any temptation. Pretend to be strong and positive.
What should I do, and what could I do to change this.

10.20 can't enjoy life

Seem not able to enjoy the life. Roommates are playing games together to kill the time, which is so extravagant and luxurious for me to do. Rational thinking excludes many possibilities of life. Life becomes simple but also quite bored. I want my emotion back. Feeling so stressful.

10.20 organic test tomorrow

Is having a test tomorrow, which is also the first test of this semester. Don't know how well I can perform over it, and I did do some review over the past week. However, now I am sitting in the study room of the old campus and procrastinating. Frankly, I am a little tired from the meeting of BIOMOD, the competition that we are about to attend; and I am kind of lose my mind the whole day, reacting slowly and strangely towards things and people. And I cannot really focus on the study. Even I told myself to do so, the efficiency is quite low and never could I think continuously and attentively.

Keep having a busy schedule over and over, which should not be what the life ought to be. Maybe I have pushed myself too hard towards the life, that I must prove myself to be a strong man in front of people. I am strong enough, just need to be relaxed a little bit. I am cool when in the relaxing mode.

It's just so hard to find that mode back, which makes me miss the version of me when I was in Mercer. I am somewhat jealous to what shirlie is enjoying now. That is a great place, a place where I find my dream back. 

Life is still going on, just face the challenges and go through it.

7.28 Sorry.

You are never in my plan, from the time I came back from the U.S., to the time I leave Hong Kong.

I am sorry, and I don't like my plan very much, neither do I like the current version of myself.

But I have to do this. I know that life must move on, and I believe that I will finally get happy if I stick to this plan.

Perhaps, it needs some time, maybe ten to twenty years, to test whether my decision, at this point, is a better one or not.

Take good care of yourself, and I will give you the best wishes. Thanks for appearing in my life and leave me such a good memory.

Life is hard, but we still need to be positive, make joke, and smile at this world.

7.28 a weirdo

Too much pressure. I need somewhere to hide myself. Acting too awkward in the front of people, do not know what to do. What is going on? Why you are so quiet throughout the dinner?

This is hard to explain. Am I a weirdo? Couldn't I just remember to carry the umbrella?

6.11 And I need to learn more

There is no guarantee in the world.

I need to learn how to respect the honored.

People are trying their best to help me, with their own judgement. It is their mercy to respect me as a person. However if I cannot understand and respect what they cannot do, they will leave finally anyway.

Learn to be a more mature person. Be a better person.

6.3 And I am still alone

1. Had dinner with two friends tonight. We know each other since 2009 when we became freshman of BU. One of them is going to study for master degree in the United States; he will get his visa tomorrow, and leave hong kong on Thursday. The other guy, who is also my roommate during the freshman year, will study for master degree at CUHK.

2. Hong Kong is extremely hot these days. The sun is spicy, the wind is humid, and the only thing good is that all the building have strong air-conditioners. So, staying in the lab all day is not a bad idea to keep away from the high temperature.

3. GRE is about to come. Have practiced a bit on each sections already, but haven't tried altogether thing yet.

4. Conduct a lot of researches on biomod these days. Team members are doing everything except responding my message, so the tense is accumulating with a little complaint. Also the lab thing still have not started so personally I feel very very worried.

5. Have to do a little presentation to the representatives of Water Department next week. The transgenic zebrafish is on the way to become a monitor for water quality. Cool stuff.

6. Most of the friends are leaving me. I feel very tired of meeting new people and saying good bye to the old friends a lot. I need somewhere to find who I am, where I am going to, and making sure whether I can actually realize my dream.

7. It costs like ENDLESS to stick to a dream, an ambition, or whatever. I hate this but having no choices. Things are changing, people are coming and leaving. No one really care about you except you can choose what kind of life you want.

8. Happy birthday, Isabella Wong. You are my good friend and I'm truly grateful about having met you in Hong Kong.

9. People seem to focus on themselves so much as I do. Who care about having a dinner tomorrow together?

10. And I still have to work on my CV, Statement of Purpose, figuring out which institutions have good neuroscience program for application.

11. I will meet one of my good friends in Boston this november.

12. And I am still alone. How long will it last.

13. Sometimes, being mature, independent, or whatever, is a very very tiring thing. seriously.