5.2 Let it go

A girl has really make me fell guilty and confused for a long time. At a loss of how to face myself, how to face her, and kinda questions like these. Have the feeling like my life is moving in darkness, and what I could probably do is to keep the faith that light will come and just be patient. No matter how many curses come, believe life will become better and keep it clear in mind about what kind of life I want, and what kind of person I want to be.

The 23rd birthday. Celebrated by guys from debate team. When they asked about two of my wishes, I said something sound pretty dumb and selfish, that hope I could become a PhD one day. I can definitely come up with some better answers making everyone feel happy, but frankly speaking my mind seemed to be absent during that time. I don't know what to say. And the situation during that time was a little bit awkward. What I really wanna wrote down is the words I said to her the day before my birthday. I confessed that I've committed something really mean and bad, making her feel hurts which I feel really bad about. I'm just too protective on myself, and sometimes neglects how other people think. And I hope she will find a great guy some day.

And she got mad again, which actually doesn't hurt me much. Can totally accept the response, coz I've never expected forgiveness from someone that I've deeply hurt. But the thing confused me is how she respond. Well, what she said may not necessarily reflect what she mean, but she just wanna be alone, and do not want to hear from me ever.

Maybe this is not the point at all. I have to face upon myself, what's wrong, and where's the problem. Not until I fixed it can I get a true love once again.

But something will be remembered, and someone will never forget.

So, just let it go.

5.1 Worrying about the loss

Maybe I'm worrying too much about the finals. The hypertension almost traps meyself in the ego. Can't speak fluently and react properly to the outside world. The more I want to come out, the more helpless I feel.

Is decided to cook myself a big dinner. Food is always the thing that can make me happy when in sadness or hardship. Bought some ingredients from the Parkenshop this afternoon: eggplants, eggs, minced pork, potato, and onion. Will make one potato pancake for my roommate which he always says is his favourite, and will create some dishes to satisfy my stomach and mood.

Can't explain why these is happening, but one thing is for sure, that I want to be happy, and I want the people I care feel that I treasure them in my life.

Set aside the GPA thing for a while, and there are more things to be valued in my life. Life is beautiful. Those can't stay will be definitely loss, even you try the best to save. Even though I won't perform very well in the final exam, even though I may fail the GRE test in June, I don't want these to stuck me to appreciate the life. And I will do my best in the academics.

So afraid of being a loser in academics. That's probably why I'm so stressed out by the coming final. Everything will be ok, just need some relax and patience. As long as the revision goes as is planned, I will do fine. See what I've achieved last semester. How come I'm much more stress now. This is so not like me. Kai should be kind and hardworking and relax.

Thanks Chase, Noah, Phillip, Patrick, Mei, Ashley, Shirlie, Meng. I am weird a lot of time. But I love you guys. You guys give me light when I'm in the period seem to be the darkest.

4.7 Fish in the lab takes many efforts to work on

Just has spent three hours cleaning the filtering system, and three of them have been cleaned, but one having a little wate leaking problem. Is considering tightening it tomorrow, because that doesn't look like a big problem, and I hope there won't be water everywhere tomorrow morning, which get the labmates angry. I just feel so tired today and need a long long relax.

Though spending three hours on it, and it will improve the water quality of the zebrafish somewhat, I still cannot be sure whether they will be happy enough to produce eggs for my experiment. But after all, their eggs won't be good if the water quality is bad, so fortunately I'm still making progress today, which should not be complaint about so much.

Patrick is leaving tomorrow. He is having a dinner with Kevin tonight, and I asked whether he mind I come; he said no problem, so what I'm doing right now is just waiting for his message to see when will the dinner happen. Since it may take a while, I'd rather do some other stuff, definitely not the lab, but maybe writing the progress report a little bit. For tomorrow, I can come back to the lab early and start the egg collection, then seeing patrick off at kowloon tong station, then going back to the lab to see whether eggs are produced. It will be another long day.

Though focusing on the fyp so much, there are for sure more things that I should catch up with. Is completely shut down by the statistics yesterday and today morning, and I almost forget how to use the SPSS to generate data and bar graph. Can do it tonight later. There are many lecture note that I haven't gone over yet, and I shall not procrastinate on it. The time to do the final is getting closer, the closer the final, the less time I will have to do all of them. And the BIOMOD. It is like a mess still, and the time for registration is about to end.

So probably it is time to forget about the fish now.

3.22 To the girl whom I will miss

I wish you will be happy there, though what you get may not be what you really expect.

You may expect the exchange to be perfect, but don't do that way, you may get disappointed by the culture shock and those homesickness, coz these will be endless.

I will miss you very very much. You are my good friend. Though we do not talk much this semester, I keep thinking of you sometimes, and those happy time in Eco lab. Though we may never see each other in the future, I always have the best wishes to you, because you are such a sweet girl. There is a time that you said hi to me outside the lab door. you may have already forgotten, Because you probably had done that to many people that day. love that smile. I have a bad mood that time (and actually, for a long period of time.) îBut your smile has really made my day. I feel that there is something in my heart that I lost for so long, and suddenly it came back. I am so glad that I have met you such a great girl.

Hong Kong makes me so suppressed, and I don't know what and how to blame. I can't blame anyone, I just feel not happy and cannot let it out. I am afraid when such a feeling lasts for so long, it will become norms of my life.

And I know that is not the true version of me.

At least, I hope not.

You are right, that life is unpredictable. I could never predict that i would have had a feeling on you when accudentally sitting next to you, that we had some funny time in the fieldtrip, that we had a serious but honest talk on the 10th floor outside the greenhouse saying something that i had a feeling on you, but i could not foresee the future that we were possible to be together, and you had some problem with your good friend, and you did not really know why it happened. I am afraid that in the future when you come back, when I graduate, we don't even like knowing each other, and I am even not caring how much I am missing you like this. And all these become a history that neither of us care to mention.

Don't know what to say. The brain seems stopped. Good luck, girl, I have the best wishes on you.

3.10 Things are leaving while you cast a blind eyes

I'm not sure what I've lost, but I'll figure them out someday.

Just feeling not very well. The mood fluctuates largely during the week.

3.10 tired of being a tasks attacker

1 sociology paper, 3 lab reports, 1 final year project progress report, 2 midterms, 1 statistics assignment, GRE preparation, BIOMOD.

I'm serious. I'm really tired. I can't have a relaxed sleep everyday until I go over tons of lecture notes, trying to figure out at least one more concepts.

Are all these what I deserve? What does this semester want me to learn in terms of 18 units? Can all the things I'm dumping efforts in have a good ending?

3.3 Back to silent mode - Culture reconflict?

Finding myself no longer willing to talk with other people. This is gradually occurring when I leave America. No more chatting, no more greeting, no more patient listening to others. Of course the final year load is heavy, but compared with what I withstood in Mercer, there is no complaint about it. During that time, I studied till very early in the next day, still feeling happy. Ideas could be easily exchanged between me and my friends. But now, that feeling has just gone away.

And I could feel that I slightly change back to the status before. No more questions in the lectures, making me feeling dumb when confused with a point. No more communication between me and grandma, parents, and the friends surround. Although this is not all my bad, I do speak out my opinion at first, but what I received frustrated me. They don't tend to listen at all, just stating how they think and never ask for negotiating. This is like an order, a thing that I must follow. Perhaps after many times, I feel tired and decide to just follow their advice, without any challenging. And I become gradually like them. I become silent, have a lot of thoughts never tell anyone, and only speak it out at the very last second, making other people feeling tense. Communication need to start as soon as possible, when I can sense the necessity. If not, then there will be some troubles. All of these might be due to the parental order here that I shall follow what my parents and grandparents said, or even think. They are feeling annoyed when you cannot find a thing, blaming you to be too careless; they are criticizing at you for reading too much western literature and understanding too much christian view (in their mind, they certainly hold a stereotype view on these thing and never wanna change it.) They want me to be the same as them.

The power of culture is so amazing that I don't even know when I hold this version of my ego. Or this is not important. The pass worths to be missed, but the contemporary condition also deserves to be remembered in the future. Probably all these things can be summarized as a "Re-conflict of culture".

It's final year and I know indeed I must dump in more efforts. But I'm also more than happy to share my stories to anyone who willing to listen. People need to talk, and I don't want to be silent all the time.