There are so many things that we can't determine the fate, even we've tried our best, so what we could do is still try our best and accept whatever results there may be.
People have a reason choosing or not choosing something or somebody, don't disturb their thoughts and respect whatever decisions they will make. Nothing is guaranteed, and nothing is so perfect.
When finding yourself can't sit down and focus on the work, just get rid of it and have some relaxed music.
Keep typing and typing till the end of I don't know maybe my life.
Oh I have to check for that cool cool BBC video for neuroscience. How can I forget that.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Sunday, December 15, 2013
12.16 Two days before back home
At the middle of December. Two days before back home and is typing in the Shek Mun library. Full of people preparing final here which is so different from those normal days, but it's not that noisy so I can focus on my computer screen. Is keep modifying the powerpoint for honour project this morning, and visiting this blog just for relax. Have viewed some of the previous posts, and those words have really described my status accurately.
These days. All what surround me is "uncertainty" "stressful" and "worrying all the time". Cannot figure the origin of these emotional feelings and they really cause many trouble and drag me from being an ordinary person (although a real person, but real abnormal). Most of the time, I feeling having a lot of things to do (and indeed I do), but my brain is kind of heavy and dizzy and I do not know which one to start with. Cannot perform multi-tasking, or a lower output will be obtained in both tasks. However, once a task was chosen and started, many things related with the task cram in and I can be easily distracted again, not able to focus on single item.
What am I busying with these days?
1. Oral presentation and a written thesis for the final year project
Oral presentation is not a difficult one. I am good at delivering presentation and making clear slides of powerpoints. It is just about what kind of information I choose to let the audience know. Thing comes a little different because this time I am presenting something that determines whether I will be granted a bachelor degree in science, which is the honour project. In the past year, I conducted research in Prof.Yung's laboratory, studying the genetic basis of drug abuse and addiction. That is a large topic so I am trying to narrow it down here. By using a drug called nicotine and the animal model of baby zebrafish, I want to know whether accepting more nicotine will lead to certain pattern of changes of some biological mechanisms in zebrafish's body, which finally promote the development of drug abuse and addiction. To understand the biological mechanisms, some techniques are involved to study certain genes and proteins. I have learned quite a few techniques in the last year and the experience really help train me to be a researcher, and what I need to do in the presentation is to describe what techniques I used, what results I have obtained, and how I integrate these things together to tell a story to people who come to listen. Many preparations are definitely helpful to make an excellent presentation hence an excellent defense for the bachelor degree, which builds to the pressure.
2. Applying graduate schools
Up to now, I have applied more than 10 U.S. grad schools, as well as one in U.K. and one in H.K. I should be checking the information of these schools everyday, even a little each time, but these days (starting from December, when I got some exams to prepare) I am sort of lazy on the checking. Some institution requires a written sample of research proposal and I have not yet started that stuff. Some professors I was trying to approach don't seem to be interested with my application, and some honestly does no help to construct my confidence but instead build up my fear in entering the field of a PhD. Certainly, many factors are involved in the process and I cannot cast all the blame on anyone; but the whole issue of application depends on how much I want to be a graduate student and if I was, what I am going to do. Seems that my attention on this is decreasing these days which I have to highlight once again. Start tracking every institute I am applying, making sure all the documents are delivered, and going through their websites to check the updates.
3. Preparing to be a research assistant.
Most likely I will be employed as a research assistant after graduation in the spring. But it seems that I have not get prepared yet. Before the final week start, I have read a few articles and come up with some frragmented ideas which I also discussed with the professor, and now there seems to be some confusion between us and I need to be clarified. We have to be on the same page and that is very important to make sure I did not mismatch his expectation nor mine, at least I should not make myself confuse before I go into anything. Shall be confident that I can do the job of RA well and what I need is being more active, motivated, and patient on improving the laboratory skills. Have a critical mind (or practise to have a better mind) through reading articles and attending seminars, talk to the professionals for advices, and keep the mind open. Being an RA is really a good opportunity to shape my personality.
4. Shanghai, Shanghai
It is always good to be back home. Has been almost one year and I am missing the streets, foods, friends, and a lot of things in Shanghai. Is planning to meet some people and visit somewhere (most likely Beijing), though many things have not yet decided, it's better to put it off a little and find a better time with the family. There will be oral presentation after the winter break so this holiday will not be that relaxing, but just trying to be relaxed according to the guidance of the psychological consultant (that's right, I am seeking help to relieve mental stress) since I am so nervous about doing things wrong these days. Kai can be cool, funny, and a good guy to be with only when Kai find himself back.
For my friends and family members, Kai is undergoing some strange and kind-a-suffering period of losing ego and being stressful these days, which make Kai not so cool as he usually does. Always bear in mind that Kai loves you, Kai misses you, and Kai will be happy if you are happy.
These days. All what surround me is "uncertainty" "stressful" and "worrying all the time". Cannot figure the origin of these emotional feelings and they really cause many trouble and drag me from being an ordinary person (although a real person, but real abnormal). Most of the time, I feeling having a lot of things to do (and indeed I do), but my brain is kind of heavy and dizzy and I do not know which one to start with. Cannot perform multi-tasking, or a lower output will be obtained in both tasks. However, once a task was chosen and started, many things related with the task cram in and I can be easily distracted again, not able to focus on single item.
What am I busying with these days?
1. Oral presentation and a written thesis for the final year project
Oral presentation is not a difficult one. I am good at delivering presentation and making clear slides of powerpoints. It is just about what kind of information I choose to let the audience know. Thing comes a little different because this time I am presenting something that determines whether I will be granted a bachelor degree in science, which is the honour project. In the past year, I conducted research in Prof.Yung's laboratory, studying the genetic basis of drug abuse and addiction. That is a large topic so I am trying to narrow it down here. By using a drug called nicotine and the animal model of baby zebrafish, I want to know whether accepting more nicotine will lead to certain pattern of changes of some biological mechanisms in zebrafish's body, which finally promote the development of drug abuse and addiction. To understand the biological mechanisms, some techniques are involved to study certain genes and proteins. I have learned quite a few techniques in the last year and the experience really help train me to be a researcher, and what I need to do in the presentation is to describe what techniques I used, what results I have obtained, and how I integrate these things together to tell a story to people who come to listen. Many preparations are definitely helpful to make an excellent presentation hence an excellent defense for the bachelor degree, which builds to the pressure.
2. Applying graduate schools
Up to now, I have applied more than 10 U.S. grad schools, as well as one in U.K. and one in H.K. I should be checking the information of these schools everyday, even a little each time, but these days (starting from December, when I got some exams to prepare) I am sort of lazy on the checking. Some institution requires a written sample of research proposal and I have not yet started that stuff. Some professors I was trying to approach don't seem to be interested with my application, and some honestly does no help to construct my confidence but instead build up my fear in entering the field of a PhD. Certainly, many factors are involved in the process and I cannot cast all the blame on anyone; but the whole issue of application depends on how much I want to be a graduate student and if I was, what I am going to do. Seems that my attention on this is decreasing these days which I have to highlight once again. Start tracking every institute I am applying, making sure all the documents are delivered, and going through their websites to check the updates.
3. Preparing to be a research assistant.
Most likely I will be employed as a research assistant after graduation in the spring. But it seems that I have not get prepared yet. Before the final week start, I have read a few articles and come up with some frragmented ideas which I also discussed with the professor, and now there seems to be some confusion between us and I need to be clarified. We have to be on the same page and that is very important to make sure I did not mismatch his expectation nor mine, at least I should not make myself confuse before I go into anything. Shall be confident that I can do the job of RA well and what I need is being more active, motivated, and patient on improving the laboratory skills. Have a critical mind (or practise to have a better mind) through reading articles and attending seminars, talk to the professionals for advices, and keep the mind open. Being an RA is really a good opportunity to shape my personality.
4. Shanghai, Shanghai
It is always good to be back home. Has been almost one year and I am missing the streets, foods, friends, and a lot of things in Shanghai. Is planning to meet some people and visit somewhere (most likely Beijing), though many things have not yet decided, it's better to put it off a little and find a better time with the family. There will be oral presentation after the winter break so this holiday will not be that relaxing, but just trying to be relaxed according to the guidance of the psychological consultant (that's right, I am seeking help to relieve mental stress) since I am so nervous about doing things wrong these days. Kai can be cool, funny, and a good guy to be with only when Kai find himself back.
For my friends and family members, Kai is undergoing some strange and kind-a-suffering period of losing ego and being stressful these days, which make Kai not so cool as he usually does. Always bear in mind that Kai loves you, Kai misses you, and Kai will be happy if you are happy.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
10.22 Typing in T1111
The lab is very quiet during the night. Is typing ramdomly on the keyboard. Just finish editing the word part of the website for BIOMOD competition this years. A lot of work. Minor modifying may needed in the following days, but feel like a thing has finally settled.
Efficiency is much higher than working at home. Sometimes I feel I am a quiet guy always enjoying my little world.
Am I the one that I am afraid of? Two years ago, I wrote down such a sentence in my diary, that I am afraid I would be looking at the world with a cold mind. Seems that I am so focusing on the little thing happening to me that I ignore many other things. Don't know whether it is good or bad. Time passes by and I grow older and older. Feel quite awkward of saying something truthfully or honestly without any temptation. Pretend to be strong and positive.
What should I do, and what could I do to change this.
Efficiency is much higher than working at home. Sometimes I feel I am a quiet guy always enjoying my little world.
Am I the one that I am afraid of? Two years ago, I wrote down such a sentence in my diary, that I am afraid I would be looking at the world with a cold mind. Seems that I am so focusing on the little thing happening to me that I ignore many other things. Don't know whether it is good or bad. Time passes by and I grow older and older. Feel quite awkward of saying something truthfully or honestly without any temptation. Pretend to be strong and positive.
What should I do, and what could I do to change this.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
10.20 can't enjoy life
Seem not able to enjoy the life. Roommates are playing games together to kill the time, which is so extravagant and luxurious for me to do. Rational thinking excludes many possibilities of life. Life becomes simple but also quite bored. I want my emotion back. Feeling so stressful.
10.20 organic test tomorrow
Is having a test tomorrow, which is also the first test of this semester. Don't know how well I can perform over it, and I did do some review over the past week. However, now I am sitting in the study room of the old campus and procrastinating. Frankly, I am a little tired from the meeting of BIOMOD, the competition that we are about to attend; and I am kind of lose my mind the whole day, reacting slowly and strangely towards things and people. And I cannot really focus on the study. Even I told myself to do so, the efficiency is quite low and never could I think continuously and attentively.
Keep having a busy schedule over and over, which should not be what the life ought to be. Maybe I have pushed myself too hard towards the life, that I must prove myself to be a strong man in front of people. I am strong enough, just need to be relaxed a little bit. I am cool when in the relaxing mode.
It's just so hard to find that mode back, which makes me miss the version of me when I was in Mercer. I am somewhat jealous to what shirlie is enjoying now. That is a great place, a place where I find my dream back.
Life is still going on, just face the challenges and go through it.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
7.28 Sorry.
You are never in my plan, from the time I came back from the U.S., to the time I leave Hong Kong.
I am sorry, and I don't like my plan very much, neither do I like the current version of myself.
But I have to do this. I know that life must move on, and I believe that I will finally get happy if I stick to this plan.
Perhaps, it needs some time, maybe ten to twenty years, to test whether my decision, at this point, is a better one or not.
Take good care of yourself, and I will give you the best wishes. Thanks for appearing in my life and leave me such a good memory.
Life is hard, but we still need to be positive, make joke, and smile at this world.
I am sorry, and I don't like my plan very much, neither do I like the current version of myself.
But I have to do this. I know that life must move on, and I believe that I will finally get happy if I stick to this plan.
Perhaps, it needs some time, maybe ten to twenty years, to test whether my decision, at this point, is a better one or not.
Take good care of yourself, and I will give you the best wishes. Thanks for appearing in my life and leave me such a good memory.
Life is hard, but we still need to be positive, make joke, and smile at this world.
7.28 a weirdo
Too much pressure. I need somewhere to hide myself. Acting too awkward in the front of people, do not know what to do. What is going on? Why you are so quiet throughout the dinner?
This is hard to explain. Am I a weirdo? Couldn't I just remember to carry the umbrella?
This is hard to explain. Am I a weirdo? Couldn't I just remember to carry the umbrella?
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