10.20 organic test tomorrow

Is having a test tomorrow, which is also the first test of this semester. Don't know how well I can perform over it, and I did do some review over the past week. However, now I am sitting in the study room of the old campus and procrastinating. Frankly, I am a little tired from the meeting of BIOMOD, the competition that we are about to attend; and I am kind of lose my mind the whole day, reacting slowly and strangely towards things and people. And I cannot really focus on the study. Even I told myself to do so, the efficiency is quite low and never could I think continuously and attentively.

Keep having a busy schedule over and over, which should not be what the life ought to be. Maybe I have pushed myself too hard towards the life, that I must prove myself to be a strong man in front of people. I am strong enough, just need to be relaxed a little bit. I am cool when in the relaxing mode.

It's just so hard to find that mode back, which makes me miss the version of me when I was in Mercer. I am somewhat jealous to what shirlie is enjoying now. That is a great place, a place where I find my dream back. 

Life is still going on, just face the challenges and go through it.

7.28 Sorry.

You are never in my plan, from the time I came back from the U.S., to the time I leave Hong Kong.

I am sorry, and I don't like my plan very much, neither do I like the current version of myself.

But I have to do this. I know that life must move on, and I believe that I will finally get happy if I stick to this plan.

Perhaps, it needs some time, maybe ten to twenty years, to test whether my decision, at this point, is a better one or not.

Take good care of yourself, and I will give you the best wishes. Thanks for appearing in my life and leave me such a good memory.

Life is hard, but we still need to be positive, make joke, and smile at this world.

7.28 a weirdo

Too much pressure. I need somewhere to hide myself. Acting too awkward in the front of people, do not know what to do. What is going on? Why you are so quiet throughout the dinner?

This is hard to explain. Am I a weirdo? Couldn't I just remember to carry the umbrella?

6.11 And I need to learn more

There is no guarantee in the world.

I need to learn how to respect the honored.

People are trying their best to help me, with their own judgement. It is their mercy to respect me as a person. However if I cannot understand and respect what they cannot do, they will leave finally anyway.

Learn to be a more mature person. Be a better person.

6.3 And I am still alone

1. Had dinner with two friends tonight. We know each other since 2009 when we became freshman of BU. One of them is going to study for master degree in the United States; he will get his visa tomorrow, and leave hong kong on Thursday. The other guy, who is also my roommate during the freshman year, will study for master degree at CUHK.

2. Hong Kong is extremely hot these days. The sun is spicy, the wind is humid, and the only thing good is that all the building have strong air-conditioners. So, staying in the lab all day is not a bad idea to keep away from the high temperature.

3. GRE is about to come. Have practiced a bit on each sections already, but haven't tried altogether thing yet.

4. Conduct a lot of researches on biomod these days. Team members are doing everything except responding my message, so the tense is accumulating with a little complaint. Also the lab thing still have not started so personally I feel very very worried.

5. Have to do a little presentation to the representatives of Water Department next week. The transgenic zebrafish is on the way to become a monitor for water quality. Cool stuff.

6. Most of the friends are leaving me. I feel very tired of meeting new people and saying good bye to the old friends a lot. I need somewhere to find who I am, where I am going to, and making sure whether I can actually realize my dream.

7. It costs like ENDLESS to stick to a dream, an ambition, or whatever. I hate this but having no choices. Things are changing, people are coming and leaving. No one really care about you except you can choose what kind of life you want.

8. Happy birthday, Isabella Wong. You are my good friend and I'm truly grateful about having met you in Hong Kong.

9. People seem to focus on themselves so much as I do. Who care about having a dinner tomorrow together?

10. And I still have to work on my CV, Statement of Purpose, figuring out which institutions have good neuroscience program for application.

11. I will meet one of my good friends in Boston this november.

12. And I am still alone. How long will it last.

13. Sometimes, being mature, independent, or whatever, is a very very tiring thing. seriously.

5.2 Let it go

A girl has really make me fell guilty and confused for a long time. At a loss of how to face myself, how to face her, and kinda questions like these. Have the feeling like my life is moving in darkness, and what I could probably do is to keep the faith that light will come and just be patient. No matter how many curses come, believe life will become better and keep it clear in mind about what kind of life I want, and what kind of person I want to be.

The 23rd birthday. Celebrated by guys from debate team. When they asked about two of my wishes, I said something sound pretty dumb and selfish, that hope I could become a PhD one day. I can definitely come up with some better answers making everyone feel happy, but frankly speaking my mind seemed to be absent during that time. I don't know what to say. And the situation during that time was a little bit awkward. What I really wanna wrote down is the words I said to her the day before my birthday. I confessed that I've committed something really mean and bad, making her feel hurts which I feel really bad about. I'm just too protective on myself, and sometimes neglects how other people think. And I hope she will find a great guy some day.

And she got mad again, which actually doesn't hurt me much. Can totally accept the response, coz I've never expected forgiveness from someone that I've deeply hurt. But the thing confused me is how she respond. Well, what she said may not necessarily reflect what she mean, but she just wanna be alone, and do not want to hear from me ever.

Maybe this is not the point at all. I have to face upon myself, what's wrong, and where's the problem. Not until I fixed it can I get a true love once again.

But something will be remembered, and someone will never forget.

So, just let it go.

5.1 Worrying about the loss

Maybe I'm worrying too much about the finals. The hypertension almost traps meyself in the ego. Can't speak fluently and react properly to the outside world. The more I want to come out, the more helpless I feel.

Is decided to cook myself a big dinner. Food is always the thing that can make me happy when in sadness or hardship. Bought some ingredients from the Parkenshop this afternoon: eggplants, eggs, minced pork, potato, and onion. Will make one potato pancake for my roommate which he always says is his favourite, and will create some dishes to satisfy my stomach and mood.

Can't explain why these is happening, but one thing is for sure, that I want to be happy, and I want the people I care feel that I treasure them in my life.

Set aside the GPA thing for a while, and there are more things to be valued in my life. Life is beautiful. Those can't stay will be definitely loss, even you try the best to save. Even though I won't perform very well in the final exam, even though I may fail the GRE test in June, I don't want these to stuck me to appreciate the life. And I will do my best in the academics.

So afraid of being a loser in academics. That's probably why I'm so stressed out by the coming final. Everything will be ok, just need some relax and patience. As long as the revision goes as is planned, I will do fine. See what I've achieved last semester. How come I'm much more stress now. This is so not like me. Kai should be kind and hardworking and relax.

Thanks Chase, Noah, Phillip, Patrick, Mei, Ashley, Shirlie, Meng. I am weird a lot of time. But I love you guys. You guys give me light when I'm in the period seem to be the darkest.