4.9 Focus

It's noisy and chaotic outside. Ernesto calms me down. Enjoy the feeling of connecting with ego. Those chaos are none of my business. A bright future is waiting for me. I need to work harder and harder.

4.7 Trip to Jiangxi

3.28 Having daily schedule

I wish I can have a daily schedule about my life and get stick to it. But part of me hate living like a robot.

I want to keep fit, keep learning, and keep an optimistic mind.
6:50 Wake up
7:10 Morning Exercise
7:30 Breakfast
8:30-17:30 Research Assistant
18:00-19:00 Gym
19:30 Dinner
Around 0:00 Sleep

Get my haircut tomorrow, have a clean over the room, and dinner with friends.

3.12 What am I worrying about

What the hell am I always worrying about. Seems to be anxious all the time when the goal is not achieved.

Tend to tell others everything at one time. It is impossible for people to accept all the information, even for me. Can SLOW DOWN, Kai!

Tsing-Ming Festival is approaching and I may need to talk with my Dad about visiting Fengcheng next month. I can hopefully ask for a break from Prof.Yung and why he would be reluctant?

Need to find someone that will not accelerate my heartbeat when I am being with. But right now, so focusing on the future thing and will never give way to a relationship. The older, the less choice. Don't freak out myself by logic. Patience is appreciated. Sometimes, it is about fate.

Has declined Rachel several times for her invitation. Ignored Yiting's bad day with some weird laughing over the printer. I can't do worse. Is afraid that I will be more dumb than two years ago that MeiMei and Ashley will not recognize this Kai. I owed many people things. Mengzai miss my southern pancake; Zecheng and Hanxu hope we gather again after final.

2.24 Research is a hard path. Nothing is so perfect.

Rachel said Jing is going to leave. That's sad, might have less chance of seeing her in the future. What could I give as a present for farewell?

Received many words with comforts and encouragements this weekend. I should not be a coward. Even in the worst situation, I should try to fight as a warrior. Thanks so many people, Dr.Jingfeng Wang, parents, aunt, grandma, Nancy Fujing, all those who witness my fragility and intention to be a strong guy. What didn't beat me make me stronger.

2.15 Weekend

Last night was fabulous. Though there was something not perfect; we remembered the lyrics wrong, the effects weren't as good as one could expect, but at least we tried our best and we deserved those nights of practising and singing. We didn't set to win any prize before deciding to attend the singing competition, we just wanna enjoy ourselves. And we did. That is the most important thing from this.

So here comes the weekend. Don't know how to spend it yet. Has spent over a week doing research and get prepared for being a research assistant since next month. Big challenge again, and the current feeling of comfort may be gone away soon. But should try to stay relax and remind myself Imma human being anyways. Graduate schools, still waiting for the positive replies; checking my mailbox to see whether there are new messages from them ranks first in everyday routine. Somehow there is a little fortune required I think. And what I am doing now will determine what I will be in the future. So stay clear, keep a sharp mind, and face the challenge.

Life is unpredictable. Though I am so certain about sort of US plan, I have to say that not everything is controllable.

2.7 Back from Nanning

The spring festival in Nanning is actually not so smooth as was imagined. A little tired from meeting different people and chatting issues irrelevant. Parents would enjoy themselves even if I was not there. People want others to realize their fantasy.

These two days of school are actually great, despite there are some obstacles in understanding the mass spectroscopy. Is learning gradually and slowly at my comfort pace. Tried asking questions via email but not sure whether that will work. No need to worry the final, which is great. I can sit in whatever courses I want to learn.

Shot a 7.5 in IELTS, which is great. There are positive replies from GeorgiaTech and Oxford. Don't know what will come in the next. Being more skeptical when it seems like approaching the end.

Need to spend this weekend in a relaxing way!

1.20 Officially done with undergraduate

Finally submitted the thesis this afternoon. My bachelor's period is finally done. Too stressful these days, but worth to be memorized.

Thanks Dr.Peng so much for being patient and serious and teach me many laboratory skills. I have learnt a lot from him.

Malaysian food night!

1.18 Third day shooting thesis at Shek Mun

Just found out that I actually did not submit the completed application form for UNC. That's stupid, and I have never imagined that I did this kind of silly stupid things. I should have check the information and submit it before the deadline, but it turns out that I didn't. OMG.

But it's useless to feel shameful and bad about that at this point. I need to focus on the thesis, thinking about my next step of graduate school admission, and keep my brain clear and sharp.

At shek mun library. Keep typing. The Discussion part seems in good progress. Gonna have a lunch and decide where to go and keep shooting the thesis this afternoon.

I told my friends that I hate this week. It's a week of rushing with the thesis, for the sake of bureaucracy. Have to deal with this in the future definitely, so what I learnt from this is to get prepared and foresee as much as possible, so that the hardship can be dealt with more confidence.

Can't understand myself sometimes. Attention can be distracted easily. I should learn to focus more. Focus.

1.17 Second day at Shaw fighting for thesis

At one time I was thinking that finishing this thesis by next monday is mission IMPOSSIBLE.
And that is not as horrible as I imagine. Many things are like this way. Sometime you just overimagine the possibility of failure and that is totally nonsense.
Stress level still high, but I can handle this job. Is spending more and more attention to make the thesis more coherent and logical. Many detailed work are needed, but now I need a relax to get prepared with the biochemistry lecture in the next hour.

Prof.Yung said I could submit next Tuesday. If possible, I will try finishing next monday.

1.16 Random thoughts at Shaw Library

There are so many things that we can't determine the fate, even we've tried our best, so what we could do is still try our best and accept whatever results there may be.

People have a reason choosing or not choosing something or somebody, don't disturb their thoughts and respect whatever decisions they will make. Nothing is guaranteed, and nothing is so perfect.

When finding yourself can't sit down and focus on the work, just get rid of it and have some relaxed music.

Keep typing and typing till the end of I don't know maybe my life.

Oh I have to check for that cool cool BBC video for neuroscience. How can I forget that.

12.16 Two days before back home

At the middle of December. Two days before back home and is typing in the Shek Mun library. Full of people preparing final here which is so different from those normal days, but it's not that noisy so I can focus on my computer screen. Is keep modifying the powerpoint for honour project this morning, and visiting this blog just for relax. Have viewed some of the previous posts, and those words have really described my status accurately.

These days. All what surround me is "uncertainty" "stressful" and "worrying all the time". Cannot figure the origin of these emotional feelings and they really cause many trouble and drag me from being an ordinary person (although a real person, but real abnormal). Most of the time, I feeling having a lot of things to do (and indeed I do), but my brain is kind of heavy and dizzy and I do not know which one to start with. Cannot perform multi-tasking, or a lower output will be obtained in both tasks. However, once a task was chosen and started, many things related with the task cram in and I can be easily distracted again, not able to focus on single item.

What am I busying with these days?
1. Oral presentation and a written thesis for the final year project
Oral presentation is not a difficult one. I am good at delivering presentation and making clear slides of powerpoints. It is just about what kind of information I choose to let the audience know. Thing comes a little different because this time I am presenting something that determines whether I will be granted a bachelor degree in science, which is the honour project. In the past year, I conducted research in Prof.Yung's laboratory, studying the genetic basis of drug abuse and addiction. That is a large topic so I am trying to narrow it down here. By using a drug called nicotine and the animal model of baby zebrafish, I want to know whether accepting more nicotine will lead to certain pattern of changes of some biological mechanisms in zebrafish's body, which finally promote the development of drug abuse and addiction. To understand the biological mechanisms, some techniques are involved to study certain genes and proteins. I have learned quite a few techniques in the last year and the experience really help train me to be a researcher, and what I need to do in the presentation is to describe what techniques I used, what results I have obtained, and how I integrate these things together to tell a story to people who come to listen. Many preparations are definitely helpful to make an excellent presentation hence an excellent defense for the bachelor degree, which builds to the pressure.

2. Applying graduate schools
Up to now, I have applied more than 10 U.S. grad schools, as well as one in U.K. and one in H.K. I should be checking the information of these schools everyday, even a little each time, but these days (starting from December, when I got some exams to prepare) I am sort of lazy on the checking. Some institution requires a written sample of research proposal and I have not yet started that stuff. Some professors I was trying to approach don't seem to be interested with my application, and some honestly does no help to construct my confidence but instead build up my fear in entering the field of a PhD. Certainly, many factors are involved in the process and I cannot cast all the blame on anyone; but the whole issue of application depends on how much I want to be a graduate student and if I was, what I am going to do. Seems that my attention on this is decreasing these days which I have to highlight once again. Start tracking every institute I am applying, making sure all the documents are delivered, and going through their websites to check the updates.

3. Preparing to be a research assistant.
Most likely I will be employed as a research assistant after graduation in the spring. But it seems that I have not get prepared yet. Before the final week start, I have read a few articles and come up with some frragmented ideas which I also discussed with the professor, and now there seems to be some confusion between us and I need to be clarified. We have to be on the same page and that is very important to make sure I did not mismatch his expectation nor mine, at least I should not make myself confuse before I go into anything. Shall be confident that I can do the job of RA well and what I need is being more active, motivated, and patient on improving the laboratory skills. Have a critical mind (or practise to have a better mind) through reading articles and attending seminars, talk to the professionals for advices, and keep the mind open. Being an RA is really a good opportunity to shape my personality.

4. Shanghai, Shanghai
It is always good to be back home. Has been almost one year and I am missing the streets, foods, friends, and a lot of things in Shanghai. Is planning to meet some people and visit somewhere (most likely Beijing), though many things have not yet decided, it's better to put it off a little and find a better time with the family. There will be oral presentation after the winter break so this holiday will not be that relaxing, but just trying to be relaxed according to the guidance of the psychological consultant (that's right, I am seeking help to relieve mental stress) since I am so nervous about doing things wrong these days. Kai can be cool, funny, and a good guy to be with only when Kai find himself back.

For my friends and family members, Kai is undergoing some strange and kind-a-suffering period of losing ego and being stressful these days, which make Kai not so cool as he usually does. Always bear in mind that Kai loves you, Kai misses you, and Kai will be happy if you are happy.

10.22 Typing in T1111

The lab is very quiet during the night. Is typing ramdomly on the keyboard. Just finish editing the word part of the website for BIOMOD competition this years. A lot of work. Minor modifying may needed in the following days, but feel like a thing has finally settled.
Efficiency is much higher than working at home. Sometimes I feel I am a quiet guy always enjoying my little world.
Am I the one that I am afraid of? Two years ago, I wrote down such a sentence in my diary, that I am afraid I would be looking at the world with a cold mind. Seems that I am so focusing on the little thing happening to me that I ignore many other things. Don't know whether it is good or bad. Time passes by and I grow older and older. Feel quite awkward of saying something truthfully or honestly without any temptation. Pretend to be strong and positive.
What should I do, and what could I do to change this.

10.20 can't enjoy life

Seem not able to enjoy the life. Roommates are playing games together to kill the time, which is so extravagant and luxurious for me to do. Rational thinking excludes many possibilities of life. Life becomes simple but also quite bored. I want my emotion back. Feeling so stressful.

10.20 organic test tomorrow

Is having a test tomorrow, which is also the first test of this semester. Don't know how well I can perform over it, and I did do some review over the past week. However, now I am sitting in the study room of the old campus and procrastinating. Frankly, I am a little tired from the meeting of BIOMOD, the competition that we are about to attend; and I am kind of lose my mind the whole day, reacting slowly and strangely towards things and people. And I cannot really focus on the study. Even I told myself to do so, the efficiency is quite low and never could I think continuously and attentively.

Keep having a busy schedule over and over, which should not be what the life ought to be. Maybe I have pushed myself too hard towards the life, that I must prove myself to be a strong man in front of people. I am strong enough, just need to be relaxed a little bit. I am cool when in the relaxing mode.

It's just so hard to find that mode back, which makes me miss the version of me when I was in Mercer. I am somewhat jealous to what shirlie is enjoying now. That is a great place, a place where I find my dream back. 

Life is still going on, just face the challenges and go through it.

7.28 Sorry.

You are never in my plan, from the time I came back from the U.S., to the time I leave Hong Kong.

I am sorry, and I don't like my plan very much, neither do I like the current version of myself.

But I have to do this. I know that life must move on, and I believe that I will finally get happy if I stick to this plan.

Perhaps, it needs some time, maybe ten to twenty years, to test whether my decision, at this point, is a better one or not.

Take good care of yourself, and I will give you the best wishes. Thanks for appearing in my life and leave me such a good memory.

Life is hard, but we still need to be positive, make joke, and smile at this world.

7.28 a weirdo

Too much pressure. I need somewhere to hide myself. Acting too awkward in the front of people, do not know what to do. What is going on? Why you are so quiet throughout the dinner?

This is hard to explain. Am I a weirdo? Couldn't I just remember to carry the umbrella?

6.11 And I need to learn more

There is no guarantee in the world.

I need to learn how to respect the honored.

People are trying their best to help me, with their own judgement. It is their mercy to respect me as a person. However if I cannot understand and respect what they cannot do, they will leave finally anyway.

Learn to be a more mature person. Be a better person.

6.3 And I am still alone

1. Had dinner with two friends tonight. We know each other since 2009 when we became freshman of BU. One of them is going to study for master degree in the United States; he will get his visa tomorrow, and leave hong kong on Thursday. The other guy, who is also my roommate during the freshman year, will study for master degree at CUHK.

2. Hong Kong is extremely hot these days. The sun is spicy, the wind is humid, and the only thing good is that all the building have strong air-conditioners. So, staying in the lab all day is not a bad idea to keep away from the high temperature.

3. GRE is about to come. Have practiced a bit on each sections already, but haven't tried altogether thing yet.

4. Conduct a lot of researches on biomod these days. Team members are doing everything except responding my message, so the tense is accumulating with a little complaint. Also the lab thing still have not started so personally I feel very very worried.

5. Have to do a little presentation to the representatives of Water Department next week. The transgenic zebrafish is on the way to become a monitor for water quality. Cool stuff.

6. Most of the friends are leaving me. I feel very tired of meeting new people and saying good bye to the old friends a lot. I need somewhere to find who I am, where I am going to, and making sure whether I can actually realize my dream.

7. It costs like ENDLESS to stick to a dream, an ambition, or whatever. I hate this but having no choices. Things are changing, people are coming and leaving. No one really care about you except you can choose what kind of life you want.

8. Happy birthday, Isabella Wong. You are my good friend and I'm truly grateful about having met you in Hong Kong.

9. People seem to focus on themselves so much as I do. Who care about having a dinner tomorrow together?

10. And I still have to work on my CV, Statement of Purpose, figuring out which institutions have good neuroscience program for application.

11. I will meet one of my good friends in Boston this november.

12. And I am still alone. How long will it last.

13. Sometimes, being mature, independent, or whatever, is a very very tiring thing. seriously.

5.2 Let it go

A girl has really make me fell guilty and confused for a long time. At a loss of how to face myself, how to face her, and kinda questions like these. Have the feeling like my life is moving in darkness, and what I could probably do is to keep the faith that light will come and just be patient. No matter how many curses come, believe life will become better and keep it clear in mind about what kind of life I want, and what kind of person I want to be.

The 23rd birthday. Celebrated by guys from debate team. When they asked about two of my wishes, I said something sound pretty dumb and selfish, that hope I could become a PhD one day. I can definitely come up with some better answers making everyone feel happy, but frankly speaking my mind seemed to be absent during that time. I don't know what to say. And the situation during that time was a little bit awkward. What I really wanna wrote down is the words I said to her the day before my birthday. I confessed that I've committed something really mean and bad, making her feel hurts which I feel really bad about. I'm just too protective on myself, and sometimes neglects how other people think. And I hope she will find a great guy some day.

And she got mad again, which actually doesn't hurt me much. Can totally accept the response, coz I've never expected forgiveness from someone that I've deeply hurt. But the thing confused me is how she respond. Well, what she said may not necessarily reflect what she mean, but she just wanna be alone, and do not want to hear from me ever.

Maybe this is not the point at all. I have to face upon myself, what's wrong, and where's the problem. Not until I fixed it can I get a true love once again.

But something will be remembered, and someone will never forget.

So, just let it go.